


never fade away

by kaltenecker_the_cow



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender, Voltron: Lion Voltron
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Langst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Pining Sherlock, Plot Twist, Plot Twists, blue lion - Freeform, blue paladin lance, depressed hunk, ghost lance, klance, lance clone, minor shallura, non-binary Pidge, shallura - Freeform, spirit lance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-07 03:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12832530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaltenecker_the_cow/pseuds/kaltenecker_the_cow
Summary: When Keith joins Lance on a mission and fails,  voltron loses a part of the team that can't be replaced. Keith tries to cope with the guilt and live  with the fact that his teammates depend on him  to help them fix their broken hearts.However, everything changes when the blue lion lets him see a spirit who claims to be Lance's soul.





	1. Broken hearts don't always heal

_It was one of the calm days on the castle. All the paladins were eating some wierd altean dish at the dinner table. As always, Lance was babbling away about anything and everything. Keith would never admit it but he was listening, paying more attention than he should, enjoying Lance's animated arm movements. He was getting a warm feeling in his stomach. That was something that happend more and more often around Lance._

_"Man, I bet that if **I** died on the battlefield, everything would be super epic. Pouring rain, chicks crying their eyeballs out, soft music playing in the distance and baby angels in diapers flying down from the sky singing Ave Maria." Hunk chuckled at that and Lance kept giong. _

_"Everyone would be like, 'Oh no! Lance the great and handsome warrior has saved us by sacrificing himself. What a hero.' Then I would whisper something cool like 'For freedom to all' or 'Fear not my brothers -and Pidge- for I will live within you'. People will be throwing parties and parades in my honour. I'm telling you, my statues will be everywhere."_

_T_ _he other Paladins rolled their eyes and several groans were heard from across the table. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that" said Shiro and smiled warmly at Lance while he picked up his plate and carried it to the kitchen. "Yeah, we love you buddy" confirmed Hunk "At least don't **t** **ry** to die for the ladies" He picked up his plate and left as well. _

_That day, when everybody had left the table, Keith sat in silence in the same spot. Something resembling emptiness overwhelmed him and left him thinking:_

_How much demage would it cause **him** if Lance died?_

_-_

After months of bickering and fighting, something had changed between Lance and Keith. They were still the most competitive members of the team, and still tried to outdo eachother at any giver opporunity, but at the end of every argument, soft smiles would be send towards eachother. 

Not only that. Their bond had grown so strong that they would always spend time together outside of the training and missions. One night, Keith had told Lance about his life on Earth and how lonely it had been. How even though he told himself he was fine, nothing could replace family and friends. On other nights, they would sit in the control room and Lance would talk about his insecurities, his fears, and how his homesickness could sometimes be paralysing. Keith knew all about his siblings, cousins, nephews and nieces. He knew how much Lance loved his parents and how he and his older siblings would stand up for their little sister who used to get bullied at school. 

Slowly over time, Keith had developed feelings for the blue paladin. He tried to keep his head up and stand steady, but he had fallen. Fallen deep in love with the boy who would never return his feelings. After all, Lance had made it clear many times that he only liked girls. So Keith lied to himself everyday saying that he was moving on, while in reality he was falling deeper every second.

Sometimes it felt like he wasn't even trying to get over him. He didn't do anything to distance himself, but how could he when he was tied so tightly to the cuban boy? He still held him when he cried and laughed at his jokes. But he  _was_ trying. When Lance clutched his shirt in agony or sadness, Keith looked away from his eyes and imagined that it wasn't Lance. When they sat together in the control room, he tried to talk more to avoid hearing Lance's voice that made his heart race. He tried. But it wasn't working. 

So yes, something had changed. And now they were going  on a mission together again. The only thing that made it different from the others was the fact that it was more risky. The plan was to sneak into a major galran ship and steal information. The other paladins would be ready to interfere whenever it was needed, but since this mission was supposed to be a quiet one, the lions couldn't be seen. Instead they flew in unnoticed thanks to one of the escape pods that Pidge had programed to be invisible. The pod reached one of the ship's walls and lance used his activated bayard to melt a hole in the metal. It was nothing like in the movies. It took him several minutes and wasn't smooth at all. 

"This hardly resembles a circle" Keith deadpanned when Lance had flashed him a satisfied smirk after he was done. " _You_ hardly resemble a circle" Lance snapped frowning. Keith would almost think that he was annoyed if not the corners of Lance's mouth hadn't slightly quirked upwards. It was weirdly attractive in some way.

"I would hope so" Keith said smugly and entered the ship while activating his bayard. Lance huffed behind him but followed inside. The hall was empty. Keith pressed a button on the small device they had gotten from Hunk and a hologram of a map appeared infront of him.

The small piece of technology had been designed specifically for this mission, proving the importance of it.

"It must be this way" said Lance and poked his head from behind Keith's shoulder pointing at a room placed in the middle of the ship. 

Keith nodded and they both began walking. Keith was ready to strike at any given moment, but they had only passed a total amount of 5 guards on their way to the room where the secret information most likely was stored. His and Lance's teamwork had flawlessly knocked all of the guards out, but it was very suspicious that the ship wasn't filled with them. Lance had suggested that maybe this wasn't the ship containing the files they were looking for, but Keith insisted that they kept going. 

They still contacted the team and informed them about the sketchy situation. Shiro warned them about misjudging the dangers of the mission and told them to stay safe. Nobody really protested when they said they were going in. This was some important information that could turn the odds of the entire war. They needed it. On their way to the room, they had faced another couple of guards, it seemed to be more crowded the closer they got to the room. 

_good_

As always when things got boring for more than 5 minutes, Lance's energy level jumped to the roof and he began talking. Not that Keith minded. At first it had been annoying of course. Keith who lived in a desert in silence for so long had a hard time ajusting to the amount of words that could leave Lance's mouth without him having to pause to suck in breaths or faint from lack of oxygen.

But now that he had gotten used to it, it was even more unsettling when he was surrounded by silence. So he let Lance talk for the both of them and kept his guard up in case anyone attacked.  

"And then Blue, like, purred? Exept there wasn't any sound so I don't know if it's just my inner cat person speaking or something." 

Even though Keith didn't look at him, he knew exactly what expression Lance was making. It was the one that made Keith heartbeat raise and sometimes, blood boil. When his lifted eyebrows were knitted together and a little smile was dancing on his lips. Lance did this a lot when he talked about someone he cared about. 

"I bet you're just actually a furry, that would explain your wierd obsession with twilight."

Lance gasped offended. "Clearly Taylor Laughter is the hottest werewolf in this universe and would beat your galran ass any day."

Keith shook his head and let out a snort. "Sure, whatever you say mr. I-begin-to-cry-whenever-Bella-chooses-Edward" 

"I do  _not!_ "

"Do too"

"Do not-" 

"Guys! We can still hear you if you haven't forgotten!" Sounded Pidges voice from the comms. "Turn off the mics if you're so determined to argue."

The boys looked at each other and chuckled before doing as instructed. Another 5 minutes in silence passed and just like Keith had expected, Lance opened his mouth. 

"What do we do if this is a trap?" He asked nervously. Keith took his time to answer, because he honestly didn't know. They were in too deep now to go back. If this really was a trap then it still wasn't to late to retreat, but if they did and it turned out to be the right ship with the right information then Keith would never forgive himself. He looked at Lance and met fear in his eyes. The boy was obviously not as confident as Keith in this moment. 

"It's not, were good" he said and kept walking. Lance was clearly not satisfied with the answer. 

"But what if it is?"

"It's not"

"What if it  _is_ _!?_ " 

Keith sucked in a breath and reminded himself of how much he cared for the boy. If this ended up being a trap and they were captured by the galra then  _that_ would haunt him trough the rest of his life. He considered stopping, turning away and escaping with Lance just in case, but when he was just about to change his mind, they were standing infront of the entrance to the room on the map. He looked down at the hologram. The little red and blue dots that were representing them were standing at the entrance as well.

"If this is a trap then you leave me behind and run. I know I can escape if I'm captured, so you just focus on getting out of here and getting me a ride back to the castle."

Lance's brows furrowed in something between anger and sadness. He stepped closer to Keith invading his personal space so much that their helmets almost colided. Keith sucked in a sharp breath. 

"If this is a trap then we get out together, like a team, like friends" He said seriously and then walked into the room leaving Keith behind.

Keith blinked a few times before he followed after trying to calm his heartbeat down. They didn't say anything after that. Only worked together on hacking the system and importing the files to the same device with the hologram. Keith didn't like the silence, but this would have to do for the moment.

Normally this would be the kind of mission where Pidge came along to do all the computer work, but they were working their ass of at the castle trying to keep it out of reach for the galran radars. 

Lance's slender fingers worked like magic. using their devices to translate galran and importing the files. Keith stood guard, but found himself drawn closer to the boy who hacked the system like a pro. He must have learned it from Pidge.

"What, see something you like?" Lance joked and wiggled his eyebrows. Keith had been caught staring. Luckily, through all the years of acting like an "edgy emo" (Lance's words, not his), Keith knew how to hide a blush. He lifted his eyebrows and gave Lance his most unimpressed look and crossed his arms. 

"Just never imagined you could even turn on a computer without burning it down, now hurry up before we get caught" Lance snorted and went back to working. Keith thought he heard him mumble something like "Still think this is suspicious" but he could have heard wrong. Either way he walked closer to the entrance still not far away from Lance. It had become a habit of his when they went on missions together. He never lost the taller boy out of his sight. Not because he didn't trust Lance's abilities, but because he fisicly couldn't make himself leave him alone. 

When they had gotten all the files they needed, Lance clicked one of the buttons on the galran screen that translated into "Complete"

Suddenly everything went pitch black. 

"Keith..." Lance's voice cracked. 

When the power came back after a couple of tics, all the lights in the room turned red and the large screen Lance had been typing on was scanning them. "Self destruction, sixty tics" a female voice sounded from the speakers above them. 

Lance reacted before Keith could even process the information and pushed him hard against  the chest knocking all air out of Keith's lungs. Keith was left tumbling out of the room and fell to the floor, a loud clang echoed through the halls when his armour hit the metal. When he looked up in horror trying to find Lance, big heavy doors shut before him, leaving the blue paladin on the other side. 

He only caught a glimpse of Lance's frightened eyes. His body trying to reach the door before it closed. 

"Lance!" Keith managed to choke out as he got up from his knees and ran to the doors, he began banging his fists against them. Panic filled his head as he helplessly tried to open the doors by force. 

His grunting was loud and his breathing heavy. It was funny considering that he hadn't really done anything extremely physical that would usually have left him in this state. 

He considered calling the others for help, but it didn't seem possible that they would get here in less than a minute, talking to them would be a waste of precious time. 

"-eith... Keith! Can you hear me?!" A familiar voice made it though the comms as Keith turned on his own. 

"Lance, I'll get you out of there, I promise!" Keith screamed as he kept trying to claw the doors open. He heard whimpers from his helmet and assumed that Lance was doing the same. Desperate, he took a few steps back and ran into the doors. When it didn't work he did it again but from a bigger distance. He kept slamming his body against the hard metal and smashing it as if his life depended on it. Only this wasn't about his life. It was about Lance's life, Lance who was so much more important. 

Sweat began covering his skin and his panting left the glass of his helmet damping. He kicked, punched, shoved and clawed for nothing. 

He activated his bayard and tried to get it to fit between the gap of the doors, but the result was non existent. The blade was way to thick and he suspected that even if he got it in, the doors would snap it in half. He smashed his body against the door again. Nothing happened. 

"Keith..."

He did it again. Nothing. 

"Keith please...!" a soft cry emerged from his helmet and Keith stopped abusing his own body to listen. 

"There is nothing we can do, you need to get away before the whole room explodes" Keith's eyes were once again filled with horror. 

"No! Try pressing some buttons!" He could hear his own voice breaking before it even came out. 

"I'ts not working" 

"Use your bayard, that's how we came in!" 

"I'ts not working!" 

"Then try-"

"Keith,  _nothing_ is working a... and were losing time so please, please run!" Lance was sobbing so hard that Keith almost didn't notice his own tears now streaming down his face. 

He sunk down to his knees and felt his body trembling against the cold metal. This was all his fault. Lance wanted to retreat, Lance knew this was a trap, Lance was supposed to survive this, not him. He had spesificly told him to save himself instead of helping Keith, but the stubborn boy always did as he pleased. 

"M' so s-sorry" Keith left out a couple of broken sobbs.

"Keith, I'm begging you, save yourself. The team can't afford losing two paladins at once!" But Keith didn't move. It was partly because he didn't want to and partly because he didn't think his shaking legs could carry him far without collapsing. 

_How much demage would it cause **him** if Lance died?_

It's not like he deserved fleeting when Lance was probably sitting curled up on the other side or the door, terrified of dying without having seen his family, whithout having said goodbye. 

"No, you can't die like this... where are the ladies, where is the music Lance?!" 

A chuckle met him from the other side. It had been a few months since Lance had talked about his possible noble Death, but Keith couldn't seem to forget it even when he tried. 

"Do me a favor, hang out with blue from time to time when I'm gone. She gets really moody when she's lonely. And... tell my parents that... that I tried, tell them that I fought for something bigger that myself. A-and tell Hunk that he's the best friend a man could ask for" His voice broke again, but he kept going. "Tell Pidge that they'll find their family, maybe their brother can be their new video game buddy. S-Shiro has to know that I always respected him..." 

"Lance stop, you will tell them that yourself" Keith said and began clawing at the doors again. His nails were breaking and knuckles were bleeding but he could't feel pain thanks to the adrenaline. 

"-T...Tell Allura that... I only flirted with her as a joke, she would feel bad if she knew I died without having my feelings returned." Keith used his sword to smash against the doors again. 

"And make sure to tell Coran that his food wasn't that bad" Keith wiped some of his sweat away. "We both know that's a lie" He managed to say without bursting into tears again. He heard laughter from the other side and felt his stomach sink. This might have been the last time he heard that laugh if he didn't do something quick. 

"Keith... please leave, you told me to do the same. Take your own advice." His voice was soft and quiet. Keith then realized that Lance had given up. He grit his teeth and forced his aching mucles to hit harder. 

"You're important-"

"God dammit Lance, you're just as important!" Keith interrupted angrily.

"-to me Keith. You're important to me!" Lance finished with just as much anger. 

Keith's eyes bagan to burn again. A muffled sob came from Lance and he felt his hands begin to shake. 

"Lance I..."

_I love you_

"I... I love-"

And that's when everything went black. 

 

-

 

Keith fell tumbling out of a healing pod and was caught by strong arms. 

"Oh thank god!" He heard a familiar british accent cry out and a warmth pressed against his back. He looked up to see Shiro smiling at him. But this was not the kind of smile that said 'I'm glad you're out of the healing pod', this kind of smile was given to him in pity. Soon another, smaller pair of arms wrapped around his waist and he stared at the top of Pidges shaking head. Even though this was kind of nice, agony filled Keith's head and he winced as his teammates kept telling him how worried they had been at the same time. 

"Oh! sorry, It's just... the impact of the explosion was so big that we thought you were dead for sure. Turns out that the material the big doors infront of you were made of was strong enough to tone down the-"

Pidge was rambling but Keith couldn't focus. Memories of the mission came flooding back and screaming a certain name over and over again. 

"Where's Lance?" He interrupted Pidge and stared at his friends who had stopped hugging him now. Looking at their faces, he discovered that they had dark bags under their eyes. All three of them probably hadn't slept in days. They looked at the ground almost at the same time when they heard Keith's question. 

_No.....no..no ...no no nonono!_

"And Hunk? He's with Hunk right?" No answer. Only Shiro let his gaze meet Keith's and gave him a look that implied nothing but good news. Keith waited for answers, but received nothing. 

" _Where_ is Lance?" He said more sharply, ignoring the burn in his throat. Shiro just kept looking at him in silence, as if  _he_ was expecting an answer. 

"For fuck's sake, tell me!" He hissed through his gritted teeth and pushed Shiro against his chest. The older man stumbled backwards a few steps and looked shocked for a tic but then his sad expression returned. Shiro had figured out a long time ago how Keith felt about Lance. Keith had never before used violence against Shiro, he was like a brother to him, but he was keeping information about Lance away and Keith felt ready to kill if it meant getting to see Lance. 

"La-Lance... he.. um, I'm s-sorry Keith, I really am." 

Keith's stomach sunk. He felt his chest explose in agony and his eyes burn.

_No!_

He didn't even realise he had fallen on the floor and was screaming until several arms were wrapped around him again. They were all crying, sobbing. Keith knew that he was causing it, but at the moment he didn't seem to care. Pidge was covering her mouth with her hands attempting to quiet down the wailing, her shoulders were pushed forward as she knelt next to Keith. Shiro was holding him close and held his chin at the top of Keith's head, Keith could feel him shaking. Allura kept crying about how sorry she was, but it all came out as a slurred mess. 

_Keith hated it, every second of this shit._

  


	2. Now the mess begins

As it turned out, the reason for Hunk's absence during the sad moments of reunion was his completely devastated state. Keith had been stuck in the healing pod for eight days. During that time, Hunk hadn't left his room even once. The poor boy wasn't eating so Coran had to visit him from time to time and force food into him to make sure the boy didn't starve. It was a completely new behavior that Keith hadn't witnessed from Hunk before.

He supposed that it made sense anyway, Lance had been Hunk's best friend since before Voltron and apparently even before the garrison. It would be a lie to say that it didn't make the weight on Keith's shoulders much heavier. It was his fault that Lance had died during the mission, it was him who had led to the terrible pain not only Hunk, but the entire team was feeling.

_He had killed Lance_

There wasn't much he could do about it now, never in his life had he felt so helpless.

The castle seemed almost empty because of the dead silence that couldn't seem to vanish no matter how many times someone tried to strike a conversation. Nobody ate at the dinner table, Keith knew it was because they were all afraid of how it would go without Lance's constant talking. Nobody wanted to face the fact that their meals would be less colorful now that the boy was gone.

Keith had to admit that isolating himself from the others wasn't the best idea. He knew that draining his body in the training room only put more distance between him and his other teammates, but the guilt grew in his chest every time he looked them in the eyes, he couldn't handle it.

If he wasn't training all the anger he felt towards himself out, Keith was trying to remember every detail that had happened during the mission. He knew very well that forgetting everything would be so much easier, but whenever his brain couldn't manage to remind him of something that involved Lance, he began panicking.

Keith was terrified of forgetting Lance.

He reminded himself of his smile, his blue eyes and the color of his tanned skin. He constantly replayed lance's laugh in his head just in case the sound of it would one day be something Keith didn't recognize.

Days passed. Walking through the halls, Keith could hear quiet whispering from some rooms. Sometimes he'd get sad smiles when he met someone on his way to his room or the training deck, and on the cursed nights like this one, Keith would get stopped by Shiro.

"You can't run from me forever you know"

Keith was facing the door to his room. It wouldn't be hard to just walk in and leave the older man behind, Shiro would understand. He would accept a half-hearted apology and let Keith torture himself for another day before trying again. But the issue was that Shiro didn't deserve to be treated like this. It was Keith who had fucked everything up, now he had to pay for it.

"I'm not running anywhere," He said while turning around to face towards his friend.

Shiro nodded towards the door, indicating that he wanted to come in. Keith hesitated, but after a short debate in his head he obeyed and opened the door. Both of them sat down on the edge of Keith's bed. Shiro looked rather relaxed, starring at the roof while leaning on his arms behind his back. Keith however, held his hands in his lap and crossed his feet as if he could close himself away. They sat in silence for a couple of seconds before Keith couldn't bear the tension.

"I'm sorry"

Shiro didn't answer. Keith already knew why he was here. He'd push and push till Keith told him all his problems and the things that were happening in his head. The method was always the same and took longer than needed because of how stubborn Keith always was, refusing to say anything. This time however, he was too tired and mentally weak to even put up a fight.

"You'll probably tell me that I'm wrong, but you should know that this was all my fault. Lance wanted to return from the mission, but because I wanted to do it right... because of me, he's gone. I don't want to hear the bullshit about how I didn't know that it would happen because if I'd only listen to him, you could have been scolding me for being a coward instead of worrying if we're even able to form voltron anymore."

Shiro moved his head at that. He let out a sigh and turned to the side so his whole body was facing Keith. It was an intimate act that he did whenever he wanted to make sure Keith knew he was being serious.

"You must be the last person I could ever call a coward," he said and smiled warmly.

It was different from the smiles Keith had gotten from his other teammates during the last days.

"You are strong Keith, but separating yourself from the team is leaving an impact on everyone, even Hunk has been leaving his room lately. I hate to put pressure on you, but everyone is depending on _you_ right now."

Keith hadn't known that Hunk began leaving his room and talking to them again. The fear of being forced to talk to him made his knees weak. But the most conserning part of Shiro's words was the one about his friends depending on him.

"Why me? I- I'm not Lance, I can't just joke around and make them feel better. I'm the last person I'd turn to if I was looking for support."

Shiro hummed in response and was about to open his mouth and answer, but now that Keith had begun talking he didn't feel like stopping. Instead, he kept on rambling.

"Hell, I can't even figure out if the conversations become hushed down when I walk into the room, or if the silence just never leaves anymore. I know everyone is hurting, but so am I Shiro, you know that better than anyone else. So tell me, what do you want from me? What does the team want from me? Because I don't think I have anything to offer."

Shiro dropped his smile and let his shoulders sink. He didn't look Keith in the eyes, instead he focused on the mess of clothes on the ground.

"You're the last person who ever got to see Lance, hear his last words. I guess they- _we_ , just... It's like you said. We're all hurting and each one of us wants to know how he reacted, what he said, what he felt..."

Keith's eyes widened. He felt his hands begin to shake so be curled them into fists. He hadn't considered that maybe they wanted to know if Lance was happy when he died or if he screamed in fear of losing his life. Keith reminded himself of Lance's every last word but couldn't even bring himself to tell the others they were his last thoughts. He felt his cheeks burn up in shame. All this time he was being selfish and egoistic, keeping the last memories of Lance to himself while his friends were left wondering if Lance had thought about them for even one second in his last moments of life.

"H-he respected you"

"What?"

"Lance I mean, Lance respected you. That's what he told me before... you know."

Shiro's eyes instantly reflected something that Keith couldn't quite figure out.

They starred at each other for a few seconds before Shiro began shaking his head. Chuckling, he used the outside of his hands to wipe his eyes. It there were any tears, he didn't let Keith see them. After he calmed down, Shiro put a hand on Keith's shoulder and thanked him. They shared a short hug and Keith walked him to the door.

"Oh, Keith-" Shiro said before leaving. "Don't worry about voltron. We'll figure it out"

After closing the door, Keith let his heavy body fall to the mattress of his bed. He didn't recall falling asleep, but soon enough he was drifting into unconsciousness.

-

_"Are you happy now? Are you satisfied?"_

_The brunet boy was standing in front of Keith, but his back was turned. Tanned skin was a contrast to the white tank top he was wearing and even though Keith couldn't recognize him, he felt himself being drawn to the beautiful boy._ Wind _moved the boy's hair as he turned around._

_Even now when Keith was looking at his face, he couldn't put a name to it. His brain kept screaming something he didn't hear over and over again. Every inch of his body tried to tell him who this enchanting person was._

_"You don't recognize me, do you? "The boy snorted, although his face told anything but delight. Keith felt guilty for not knowing who the individual before him was. He shook his head while never losing eye contact._

_The person slowly took a few steps forward and placed a hand on Keith's cheek. Comfort filled his heart when the boy smiled, Keith leaned into the touch. Calmness surrounded both of them, something Keith hadn't witnessed in a long time though he couldn't remember why. He closed his eyes and hummed in contentment while breathing in the smell of the salty ocean._

_"Who are you even to claim that you love me? Assholes like you are the errors in this world, Keith," a whisper made his blood freeze._

_Like a lightning_ striking _from the sky, something clicked in Keith's mind and all of a sudden, every memory of Lance flashed before his eyes. The warmth of Lance's hand disappeared and Keith's eyes snapped open. His throat tightened and lungs filled with something resembling water. He couldn't breathe, couldn't talk. Not even stop Lance from walking away into emptiness after wincing in disgust. Keith stumbled forward and tripped over his own feet._

_"N-no- wait, I... of course I remember you-"_

-

" -LANCE!"

Keith rose up from his bed with a loud gasp. Sweat dripped down his face as his whole body was shaking so much that he couldn't even drag a hand through his hair. His eyes were burning like fire, he had cried in his sleep. 

He bit his arm to suppress the muted sobs that couldn't be held back. Nails were digging deep into the sheets of his bed.

"Lance... Oh god, no no no- Lance-"

Keith kept repeating Lance's name out loud until he managed to turn his loud wailing to quiet whispers and calmed down. Finally, he took a deep breath and covered his face with his hand.

It was just a dream

But what If he'd really forget Lance? Of course, he could imagine his face without any struggle now, but in the future, it would become harder.

He'd never see Lance again

The thought of that made his body fill with dread. All of a sudden he felt the urge to see Lance. It wasn't as if the longing ever wasn't there, but now it was so strong that he almost felt his heart being ripped appart.

He sunk out of his bed needing to clear his head. Maybe it was the middle of the night in earth time, but the training deck always welcomed him to sweat his problems off. Keith grabbed a towel and marched out of his room.

The castle was quiet except for the quiet buzzing caused by several machines that kept the whole thing going. It was something Keith had managed to get used to during the first weeks on the ship. He passed a couple of doors but stopped in his track by the last one.

It was Lance's room. Keith had been there a couple of times and knew very well that the place was full of pictures, cosmic stones, plants from weird planets and a whole lot of Lance's belongings. Walking in there without Lance's presence would probably invade his privacy. But did a dead man need any privacy anyway?

Keith swallowed nervously and pressed the buttons that caused the door to slide open. A sweet smell emerged from the room and enchanted his senses. Keith stepped inside and let the door slide shut behind his back. The room was very messy, with clothes laying on the ground and hanging on furniture. Lance obviously hadn't had a lot of time to clean everything up before heading on their mission. Even so, Keith couldn't have felt more at home right now.

He took a look at the pictures hanging on some of the walls. He remembered Lance whining about wanting a printer, and Coran being the space uncle he was, provided them with something resembling one. Since then, Lance had been taking pictures of all his teammates including the space mice.

One of the pictures illustrated Pidge sitting on top of the fridge with a computer in their lap. The next one showed how they managed to spot Lance taking pictures and screaming something at him causing them to almost fall off. The picture was slightly blurred, probably because Lance was laughing too hard to keep the camera straight. A lot of the pictures also involved the others. Hunk and Lance together in majority.

Some of them were taken by somebody else or Lance himself, showing him doing random stuff around the castle like mopping the floor in provocative positions or posing with Blue.

As Keith moved his fingers along the wall he began spotting more and more pictures of himself. Like, him crossing his arms over his chest with a pout covering his face. He cringed, finally understanding what Lance meant when he said Keith tended to brood. Another one showed Keith laughing along with Shiro in the main room where all of them would hang out on free days. At least, used to.The picture was taken from an angle that indicated Lance had been hiding while taking it. The thought of that made Keith's cheeks warm up slightly and he couldn't hide the fond smile that formed on his mouth.

"Damn you Lance" He whispered and kept studying the rest of the pictures.

In the corner of his eye, a jacket caught Keith's attention. His heart froze for a second before he walked over to it and touched the fabric. It was very soft, the reason to why Lance was always wearing it. Keith bit his lip and put the jacket on.

The sleeves were longer than Keith's arms and left him feeling small and secure. It was warm and smelled slightly like coconut. He recalled Lance discussing his skin products with Hunk who managed to make the alien creams smell like their home planet. The fact that the smell hadn't left caused Keith to hope that it may be permanent. He quickly pushed the stupid thought out of his head and sat down on Lance's messy bed.

He began thinking about what would happen with Lance's room now that he'd never use it again. It caused his next thought to be about Lance getting a funeral. Even though it was painful, it would have to happen eventually. Lance had mentioned before how he wanted a big dramatic funeral with thousands of aliens from across galaxies attending. Now however, ten feet deep in a war with Zarkon was not the best moment to throw a party.

Lance couldn't even get his last wish fulfilled.

Keith sat up hastily and shook the jacket off. He didn't have time to get sensitive now. Shiro had told him that the team depended on his strength right now.

_He could do this._

"Night, Lance" He muttered under his breath and speed-walked out of the room. He didn't feel like training anymore, but his room seemed like the last possible place he would like to be right now. Instead, he headed for the kitchen thinking that a glass of water could do him good. The next day he could talk to the others, discuss their Lanceless future like he should in the first place. He'd prove that he wasn't a coward.

What he was not prepared for however, was the sight of Hunk baking cookies in the middle of the night alone in the kitchen. He didn't seem to notice that Keith had entered the room, so Keith began slowly backing away.

"Come here, they are chocolate flavored. Or at least I hope they are, you never know with this alien stuff." Hunk gave the pastry a suspicious glance before smiling at Keith.

Realising that there was no way out, Keith sucked in a breath and shuffled next to Hunk. They stood very close, their arms slightly touching while Hunk kept making cookies.

"Do you remember when I went on that planet... um, Plexacut? Yeah, something like that." Keith nodded while observing Hunk's calm features.

"Well, I found some weird beans that reminded me of cocoa beans from earth, so I thought I'd take them with me and make chocolate. Lance helped me."

Oh, so that's what this was about.

"I never let him eat it because I was planning on using the chocolate in these cookies. He was really excited about it. Unfortunately, I never had the time... and now, well..."

Keith nodded and bowed his head slightly. In silence, they made the cookies together and put them in the oven. Somehow, even though Keith was nervous, he felt comfortable like this. It was calming and put his mind at ease. Maybe he'd try baking next time he had trouble instead of training again. After cleaning up after them, the boys sat down and waited.

"Lance wanted you to know that you're the best friend he could've had," Keith murmured searching for Hunk's eyes. The other boy hummed in response and gave him one of his heart-warming smiles.

"I know"

Keith didn't know what to say to that. He opened his mouth a few times and shut it again, probably looking like a gaping fish. Hunk chuckled and sat closer to Keith.

"Shiro told me that you feel guilty about this. I hope you know that I don't blame you. Nobody does."

Keith breathed out through his nose and shook his head. "Of course you don't. You must be the most forgiving person I know."

"Keith-"

"Hunk, I killed your best friend!"

Hunk's smile instantly vanished from his face and his body froze. Keith immediately regretted his words. This was another reason to why he didn't talk to people who were struggling with something, he'd always say something wrong. Quietly he stammered out an apology.

"It's... no, it's not alright. But Keith, you are taking this whole situation just as badly as I am, if not even worse. I can't even imagine what I would do if I'd have to-"

Hunk interrupted himself with a sniffle. Not knowing what to do, Keith let his arm slide around Hunk's shoulders attempting to give him a not too horrible hug. Hunk being the nice person he was, took what he got and hugged Keith back. His arms surrounded Keith's body and left him feeling small and fragile. The rumors turned out to be true, Hunk gave the best hugs.

For only this very second, Keith let his walls crumble down and his senses get overflooded with sensitiveness. He tightened his arms around Hunk and sunk into the crook of his neck, like Lance had done in his the one time when Keith was the only one to see him get a panic attack in his room.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry," He said pulling away after a few minutes.

Hunk used his sleeves to dry away the tears from his own face.

"This is why Lance liked you so much, you try to help even when you don't know what you're doing."

Hunk hummed and leaned back against the couch. His statement left Keith furrowing his brows in confusion. He knew that he and Lance had been getting along a lot since their first months in space. It had been almost two years since they left Earth, during that time he and Lance had time to become close enough to consider themselves good friends. Lance however, still made jokes and teased that he didn't really like Keith. Of course, it was obvious that this was just their thing, but Keith had been under the impression that Lance didn't want to be as close friends as Keith wished they were.

"What do you mean?" At those words, Hunk's eyes widened and he let out a nervous laugh.

"Forget it, I've said too much. The bro code is valid even after death does you apart, if you know what I mean."

Keith only nodded and pretended that he did. In all honesty, Keith did not have any idea what Hunk had just told him. They shared another moment in silence before Hunk's eyes lit up and he jumped out of the couch.

"The cookies!" He shouted as he ran to the kitchen.

As it turned out, the cookies were fine. Well, slightly crispy, but that was okay.

"Want to have the honors?" Hunk asked fondly and pushed the plate towards Keith who knew what this meant. Lance was always the first one to try Hunk's baking. Nobody ever got to try anything before Lance had given his personal opinion, it had been that way since always and now it was Keith who got the first bite. Nodding he took a bite.

It was almost embarrassing to let out such a delighted moan. But Keith couldn't help that Hunk never failed to amaze him with his cooking. The chocolate taste was something Keith didn't know he needed before he tried it.

"I'm glad you like it" Said Hunk and bit into his own cookie. The two of them didn't eat more than three cookies each before deciding to leave the rest for their friends.

"You should visit blue," Hunk suddenly said. "I tried to get her to open up for me, thought it might help me cope with this. But I think you know how that went."

Keith saw the small disappointment Hunk tried to hide. Lance had told him to go see the blue lion. He didn't imagine that it would let him in if Hunk hadn't even gotten it to let him in. But if Blue was anything like Lance, then she would probably love to get some attention, especially now that she had lost her paladin.

"Not now though. Now you need to get some sleep, you look like a mess."

Keith gave Hunk a small grunt but listened anyway and walked off to his room. This time when he fell asleep, he wasn't woken up by another nightmare.

-

The next morning Keith woke up feeling slightly better mentally. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep resulted in bags under his eyes even though he had slept in more than usual.

Talking to Shiro usually put him at ease, but after bonding with Hunk and making sure that they still were friends, Keith was in a much better mood than he had been in almost two weeks. As normally, he trained for almost an hour before heading to the kitchen. He stopped in front of the door hearing something resembling group laughter. It was a sound the castle had been lacking for very long now and it startled Keith.

When the doors slid open he was met by the image of the castles habitants sitting on the couch and eating cookies. Smiles were written all over their faces, everyone were having a good time. Allura was the first one to notice that Keith walked in and immediately dropped her smile. Soon the others began to catch up and did the same.

"Um.. we were just, hunk suggested that we try some of the Earth food." The princess looked very troubled and almost guilty. Coran noticed this and tried to help her out.

"I assure you that we were not trying to disrespect the blue paladin." The others nodded in agreement, all eyes were on Keith as he sat down between Shiro and Hunk and took a cookie as well.

The room was silent as Keith chewed his cookie. He nodded after a while and let his gaze travel through the room.

"yeah I know, I also made these." He said as calmly as he could to make sure that everyone got the message and understood that he wasn't mad. It looked like he somehow had given them the impression that laughter was no longer allowed without Lance. He got a small push in the shoulder from Hunk.

"You'd think this guy didn't even know what flour was. Turns out he's the best assistant I've had this far"

Keith tried to thank him, but it ended up being just a lot of incomprehensible sounds since he had put another cookie in his mouth. When the paladins and Alteans saw how he struggled, several giggles were aimed at him. Keith then tried to apologize. Unfortunately, crumbs ended up spilling from his mouth and onto the couch. 

"See, this is why you can't have nice things Keith" A snicker came from Pidge and the entire group burst out laughing. 

Keith blushed slightly but was happy that they could have normal conversations again. All of them sat there a long time, enjoying the sweets and laughing together like they always used to do.

As much as Keith wanted to stay in this moment, he knew that it was only temporary and the depressing atmosphere would soon return. There were many unanswered questions floating in the air at the moment, but Keith couldn't bring himself to end this cheerful scene. Instead, he excused himself and left the room leaving his friends to have a good time.

In the back of his mind, he felt a weird presence. It reminded him weirdly of Red, but instead of a fierce flame that woke up all his senses, it felt more like a cooling sensation. Remembering his and Hunk's conversation from last night, Keith set up the pace and quickly got to the blue lion's hangar.

The blue lion was standing tall in its' hangar. The size of these things always amazed Keith. He approached it slowly, not really knowing how he was planning on doing this.

"H-hey Blue" He began talking but his voice cracked.

The introvert-hating gods seemed to choose this moment to strike.

"Um... It must have been hard for you lately. It's been for us all. I don't really know how much knowledge you have about this situation to be honest, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you're not almighty and all-knowing, but you have probably guessed what has happened to Lance."

He took a moment to form a proper sentence in his head to avoid stopping mid-sentence and continued.

"It's kind of my fault actually, I led us into a trap and he saved me. I'm very sorry, I guess it doesn't look that way when I stand here like this but... well I am."

As he kept talking quietly, the cold sensation in his mind was getting stronger and instead of getting the well-known feeling of sadness, Keith became more confident with every word.

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I don't come here to try and replace him, but it would be kind of you if you'd let me in for at least a moment. I just want to feel closer to him, that's all."

The lion didn't move an inch. Nothing changed and Keith began to slowly give up. He hadn't really expected the lion to accept his offer. Blue needed a new paladin, not a heartbroken boy who had a gay crush on her prior pilot. Even so, he kept trying.

"Please, Lance wanted me to come and talk to you. I know I'm the fault to all of this, you have every reason to blame me. But please just let me sit there for a while and..."

And what? he thought to himself. What would he do once he was inside? He was aware that just being there would calm him down, but how could he tell this to blue without sounding pathetic?

"And accept everything, grow stronger. I need to be strong for the team right now. Please Blue, do this for Lance."

Just like that, the mechanic lion's eyes lit up and she bowed her head leaving Keith startled at the sudden movement. He didn't hesitate to climb into the lion's open mouth however. The inside of Blue's cockpit was just how Keith had imagined it being. Torquise lights surrounding him like the ocean, like the color of Lance's eyes. Keith moved to the pilot's seat and examined the exact copy of his control panel, only in a different color.

This was it. He was inside the blue lion. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily in and out with his hands on his chest. He felt it rise and fall while trying to concentrate on the soothing feeling he received from Blue. Soon he also put his legs on the seat and began humming silently. His mind closed out the castles buzzing and his negative thoughts. There was only him and blue.

"Well _that's_ just weird, I've never seen him do that." A skeptical voice sounded from behind him.

Keith literally jumped out of the chair. Turning around faster than he ever had in his life. And that's when he saw him. A tall, tanned boy with wide eyes and tense muscles leaning on one of Blue's walls was staring at him in shock.

_Lance._

"What the fuck... What the- shit, holy fucking mother of god! What?!"

Keith began panicking and stumbling backward until his back hit a wall. His brain was working overload and not even Blue's presence in the back of his mind couldn't calm him down. Lance (or whoever that was) seemed equally confused, but didn't let it on. Instead, he blinked in surprise.

"Wha- Keith? You can see me?" He began walking towards Keith, but the red paladin had already put on his defensive mode.

"Nope! You stand right there. Do not come any closer!"

His arms were stretched out to block anything coming towards him.

"Holy shit Keith, you can see me!" Lance screeched and jumped in the air. Keith swiftly pulled off his shoe and threw it at the individual standing in front of him. What if this was one of Haggar's works? He might have been mentally unstable at the moment, but he wasn't about to get tricked like that.

The shoe however, flew right through the "Lance" standing in front of him and hit the wall.

"Jesus, calm down. It's me!"

Now if you think that Keith ever learned from his mistakes then you are terribly wrong. He grabbed his other shoe at threw it again gaining the same effect.

"Calm _down!"_ The boy in front of him shouted, Keith shut his mouth and stood still.

"Finally. Damn Keith, get some chill," Lance said and was about to come closer to Keith but stopped walking when he noticed that his body twitched.

Keith cursed himself in his mind for not bringing his bayard. 

"Okay, I'll right stand here. But you will need to _stop_ throwing your shit at me." The brunet boy said and backed away a few steps. 

"Who are you?"

"I don't know, Peppa fucking pig maybe." Keith recognized the sarcasm and let his body relax slightly while still holding his guard up. 

"Obviously, you want me to believe that you're Lance." The boy nodded while rolling his eyes. "Well, Lance died during a mission. You'll have to try harder." 

The guy in front of him threw his arms in the air. 

"Yeah no, turns out that I didn't qualify for either hell or heaven so I'm stuck here."

It seemed wrong to believe this boy, but Keith had to admit that if he was something made by Haggar, then it was a perfect replica judging by his personality. 

"Right, Let's pretend that what you're saying is true. How would it even be possible?"  

The boy thought for a moment scratching the back of his head.  "Well, Blue tried to explain some things, but it's basically impossible when she can't even use words. All I understood is something about souls and bonds."

Keith hummed in response. A lot of questionable shit had happened since they'd left Earth, he could accept this as the truth for the moment. He doubted that the Blue lion would let a fake Lance inside anyway. 

He slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor and massaging his temples. 

"Fine, I believe you... for  _now._ Pull out some freaky stunt and I'll launch you off this ship personally." 

Lance seemed to brighten up at that and sat down next to him. Keith's mind had a hard time accepting that Lance was _right there_ after trying to acknowledge that he'd never see him again. He prayed that he wouldn't get too emotional and begin to cry. They sat in silence for a while, Lance was tapping on his knee patiently waiting for Keith to make the first move. 

"Hi Lance," he said finally. 

In the corner of his eye, Keith could see that Lance blinked in surprise, but then smiled. 

"Hello Keith"

It was quiet for another couple of tics before both of them turned to look at each other and burst out giggling. It was very stupid and Keith couldn't understand what was so funny, but he was an emotional wreck and Lance was here and they were sitting in his lion and nothing made sense. 

So they laughed. 

"You have no idea how weird it has been, just walking around the castle without anyone being able to see me." Lance chuckled while wiping away tears that had formed in his eyes from all the laughter. 

"Wait, you've been here all this time?" Keith stretched out his legs and leaned his head against the cold wall. 

"Uh'huh, and trust me, seeing you guys acting all depressed has  _not_ been making my afterlife easier." 

Keith stiffened at that. He hadn't considered the possibility that Lance could see them. He suddenly remembered every single moment of weakness he's had in the past days and wondered just how many of them Lance had experienced. 

"We thought you were- well you  _are..."_

"Dead?"

The funny feeling in his stomach disappeared and was replaced by the harsh reality. Lance was still dead. True, he was also still  _here_ and that was better than anything, but Keith had so many questions. 

"Why can I suddenly see you? Why now?" He also wondered if he was the only one, maybe the other ones could also see Lance. He guessed that nobody else had seen Lance depending on his reaction. 

"I'm suspecting it has something to do with Blue letting you in. It kind of matches the whole 'souls and bonds' thing. I don't really know." Lance shrugged. 

It seemed much less of a deal to him apparently. He _did_ have a lot of time to accept this while the others were very oblivious to his presence.  

"What are we going to do about this?" 

Lance began tapping against his knee again. 

"I don't think it's a good idea to tell the others what's happening yet. They're going to think you're as nutty as a fruitcake." 

Keith gave Lance a questioning glare. 

"Crazy that is, Jesus learn some slang" 

"I don't even want to know which hood you've been a part of." 

"Oh hush, you caddywompus. The point is that they'll think you're flipping out or something."

Now, Keith  _did_ see a problem there. After being devastated and completely unstable mentally for days, it would seem suspicious that he could suddenly see Lance, something that the others were unable to do. Or maybe he really  _was_ going crazy and this Lance was just something he made up in order not to lose his mind. He quickly pushed the thought away and nodded along to Lance's words. 

"So we need to keep this a secret as long as we don't have any explanation for this or any proof that I'm actually here. When I think about it, it's kind of cool. You can talk to me in code. Like, when you want to say something but no one else is supposed to understand it, you just wiggle your arms and stuff." 

Lance kept talking about all the stuff they could do while Keith began to slowly panic. Lance couldn't be completely dead if Keith still could see him, right? So there must have been a reason to why Blue let _him_ see Lance and nobody else. Maybe he had what was needed to fix this? There must have been a solution to this whole mess and Keith was going to find it, and solve it. 

He had fucked everything up in the first place. Now was his chance to fix it. The only problem was that he didn't know where to start. 

This was going to be a lot more complicated than he'd like it to be. 

 


	3. Dead boy walking

_Lance's POV_

_-_

Lance had lost all hope. Only his lion was able to see him, it was a total shock at first. Waking up inside Blue with all the blinding lights left him utterly confused.

After coming back to his senses and remembering the mission, Lance was quick to figure out where he was and rushed to find the others. However, the only person onboard the castle had been Coran who just kept ignoring him. Lance came to the point where he screamed at the older man and demanded answers.

When he tried to grab the man's shoulder, his hand went right through.

After a long hour, his other teammates came onboard. Panick filled the room and they kept screaming about needing a healing pod.

Lance tried asking them what was wrong and who was hurt, nobody answered. When he managed to get a glimpse of the motionless body Shiro was holding, his heart sunk. Keith had clearly been affected by the explosion. He looked almost dead with his skin red and like flames.

Lance feared that the boy was dead.

Everybody gathered around Keith's burned body as Coran and Allura wormwholed the castle. After practically ripping off Keith's armor, they put him in a healing pod.

"What happened to him? Is he going to be okay?!" Lance begged for answers but got none.

He also noticed how his name had been said many times, but none of them was aimed at him. He was in too much horror to realize what was said to him though. 

It took Keith about a week to get out of the healing pod. During that time Lance had plenty of time to realize the situation. Nobody talked to him and nobody saw him.

Lance was dead. Obviously...

He cried a lot, shook in internal agony whenever he saw his friends break down and tear themselves apart because of him.

He'd never see his family again. He hadn't even done anything special that his parents could be told when the team returned to Earth. He tried his best to defend the universe and even though they all had gotten far as a team, Lance himself hadn't done anything at all.

He was useless, pathetic, weak.

So Lance had lost all hope. He learned to make jokes out of it. Followed Keith and made fun of him without Keith's knowledge. Unfortunately, it had also resulted in seeing the boy crying alone in his room a lot. He also caught Keith sneaking into Lance's room one night which caused him to blush furiously seeing the mess Keith was met by. Lance visited Hunk, told him jokes that the boy couldn't hear to cheer him up. He also talked to the others a lot. Nobody heard.

_Lance had lost all hope._

That was until he had caught Keith walking inside Blue. He felt rage in his chest at seeing that he could be this easily replaced. Of course, he was dead. But could they not wait before picking someone else for the blue lion? She was the only one who could see him after all, which indicated that they still had a bond. What would happen when Keith broke the bond by forming a new one?

Lance rushed inside his lion. Once he was there, a natural calmness was aimed towards him. He stood at the entrance and counted to sixty before walking calmly inside. He spotted Keith sitting in his pilot seat with his legs curled up under him and hands on his chest, elbows sticking out to the side. He looked about ready to dance the chicken dance. Lance stood there for a moment and watched Keith amused. It became even more strange when Keith began humming.

Lance couldn't hold it in any longer. He snorted and said to blue:

"Well _that's_  just weird, I've never seen him do that."

At those exact words, Keith began going crazy. Lance tried to calm him down but Keith began throwing things and screaming.

The hysterical distress ended however, and Lance managed to get Keith to listen to him. He told him about everything he had figured out about the situation by himself and they sat inside the lion for a long while, just talking.

It was really weird to finally be able to do it. Lance couldn't figure out it the best choice was to talk as much as he could or listen to somebody finally talking to _him_. Keith was here, he kept smiling at Lance. They were chatting, enjoying themselves without any fights or bickering. Lance though back at the moments before the explosion. He had heard Keith crying for the first time and couldn't even be there to wipe his tears.

He quickly shook his head and focused on not falling apart in front of Keith. It was nice, unreal and almost terrifying to sit like this.

Lance quickly lost himself in the sensation. Words that he thought would forever go unheard streamed through him and almost made him dizzy from the excitement. He made it his life-mission to make Keith laugh and get those cute wrinkles on his face whenever it twisted in emotion. The heavy air between them was soon replaced by warmth and cheerful banter. 

"Oh my GOD! You should see Coran when he's alone. You'd think he acts crazy when he's around people, but even when he think's nobody's listening he says the most random stuff!" 

Keith giggled for the third time that day and only made the dizziness in Lance's head grow. 

"One time, Shiro dropped some stuff down the stairs from the second floor by accident-" He had to stop and giggle for a bit before continuing. "-and Coran who was passing by just shrugged and was like... 'must be the hululus again'" Lance mimicked Coran's accent and burst out laughing. It wasn't even that funny, but he was high on feelings and couldn't help it. 

"Like... what? what the heck are hululus?" He breathlessly laughed, though it came out more like a shriek. 

Keith was obviously trying to suppress his own laughter by covering his red face. "Maybe they're like... alien trolls?"

"Yeah, trolls who launch shit down the fucking stairs"

They looked at each other in silence for less than three seconds before exploding with laughter again. Lance's face hurt and he had to hold onto the wall behind Keith to make sure that he didn't fall over, but it felt okay since Keith's state wasn't all that better. They sat on the floor like that for a solid couple of minutes before Keith calmed down and Lance did the same soon. 

Suddenly he noticed how their bodies were leaning against each other and face's separated by only inches. Keith met his eyes and froze, his fingers twitched and face turned even redder than before. An unpleasant feeling erupted inside of Lance and voices scolded him in his head.

_He doesn't want this as much as you do._

_He'll hate you if you don't do anything!_

_You're making him uncomfortable._

He pushed himself away a bit to hurriedly and scratched his neck. 

"Yeah... so I've been entertained..." 

The action seemed to leave Keith in a state resembling panic. He put some of his bangs behind his ears, but they only ended up falling back to their place. He put on his usual expression and nodded more seriously while leaning back against the wall. 

They didn't get all too excited after that, but still talked and tried to catch up as much as possible. Soon Allura's voice was heard from the speakers.

"Keith, would you be so kind and meet us in the-" A squealing microphone sound interrupted her and Pidge's angry voice took over. "Where _are_  you even? Get your sorry ass over to the control room. We've been looking for you everywhere!" 

Lance's pulse quickened at the angry tone he hadn't heard for far too long. Clearly, it had affected Keith too. 

"I see the old salty Pidgeon is back," Lance joked and raised his body from the floor of the cockpit. Keith followed the movement and brushed off his pants.

"You share a nice lunch with the kid once, and suddenly they are corrupted by the devil again."

Lance shrugged and nodded his head towards the lion's entrance. Soon they were walking to the control room together. Keith looked weirdly nervous and somehow out of his usual character. He tried to cross his arms several times but apparently realized that it was a very unnatural thing to do while walking. He settled on letting them fall to his sides with his muscles stiff. Something must have been bothering him.

Lance prayed to God himself that it wasn't the awkward situation Lance had caused earlier. But the moment was over and they were back to reality where everything was far from okay. 

Keith seemed to be acting more stiff than usual. Lance didn't ask though, nobody around the castle had been themselves since the mission. It was natural, Lance convinced himself.

He studied Keith's face. Knitted eyebrows and teeth biting into his own lower lips. He also noticed burned skin sticking out from his shirt and covering a part of his neck. It was barely visible, almost not there. The healing pods had done a good job after all, but it still caused guilt to form in Lance's stomach.

After realizing that he was staring, Lance turned his head and hoped that Keith didn't notice his blush. He tended to forget that Keith was able to see him and had caught himself staring at the boy several times already.

Keith stopped before entering the control room. He opened his mouth as if wanting to say something, but turned his head instead and opened the door before Lance could ask him what it was or encourage him.

Everyone was already waiting for them in the room. Lance let Keith step ahead and walked behind him to tone down the pressure he felt even though it wasn't aimed at him.

"Is there something we need to discuss?" Keith asked, his professional tone full of confidence.

It almost seemed like he hadn't been a total nervous wreck all the way to meet the others. There was obviously something he was stressing about, and it wasn't the sudden meeting.

Lance wondered how often he put up a strong face like this.

"Well, firstly..." Shiro began.

Hunk, who stood next to Pidge, shoved them towards Keith and gave them an encouraging look. Pidge fixed their glasses and looked at Keith from under their bangs.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you through the speakers even though I know you're having a hard time. We were looking for you almost two hours and it just, kind of... happened."

Lance huffed a laugh when he saw how taken aback Keith looked. He pitied Pidge for being forced to apologize, knowing how humiliating it sometimes could me, but it didn't stop him from viewing this situation as funny. Call him a narcissist, but the furious blush covering the little paladin's face was priceless. 

"I-I'm not mad.. it's nothing, really."

There was kind of an awkward silence there for a few seconds before Shiro clapped his hands together and made everyone jump in surprise.

"Well, let's get back to business."

Everyone turned to look at him and gathered in a smaller space, including Lance. He saw Keith stealing glances at him from to time even though they stood pretty far apart.

Nobody asked him where he had been, the whole issue forgotten. 

"There has been some tension in the castle the past days. I know that what we're going through is far from easy and the last thing any of us wants to do is go back to fighting. However, I hope you understand the war is still going on, entire planets need Voltron."

The team agreed even though several gloomy expressions filled the room.

"How do we plan to form Voltron though?" Everyone turned to look at Keith.

His arms were crossed and face looked annoyed, Shiro looked away from his eyes and answered.

"I've been thinking... there are more people in this castle than there are lions. We can all try to get the blue lion to... accept us, if one of us manages to gain her approval then we can form Voltron again. "

Lance stepped back in surprise.

So they _were_  replacing him.

He subconsciously turned to look at Keith who was already glancing at him. They shared a silent moment and Lance tried to figure out what Keith was thinking at the moment.

"I've tried already, Blue didn't accept me so I guess I'm out?" Said Hunk and attracted all the attention in the room.

Shiro gave him a soft smile and nodded. "That's alright, anyone else? Keith, do you want to try?"

Keith didn't answer and looked almost pained by the suggestion even though he _had_  tried to steal Lance's lion not long ago. Well, not technically _steal_  since they all thought he wasn't there anymore, but the point was there.

"We all know that this is very hard for you, but could you consider it? you don't have to go first if you're not comfortable with it..."

This was it, Lance thought. Keith would get his lion and replace him. He was always better than Lance, since the very beginning, since the garrison. It was as if history tried to stab him in the back. Lance had taken Keith's place before, now Keith would do the same to him.

Even though it was clear as day, Lance couldn't overcome the fact that he deserved it.

"A-actually, I've tried too, Blue didn't accept me... sorry:"

Lance froze and stared at Keith in shock. "What the hell are you doing?"

Keith only ignored him and smiled sadly at Shiro.

"Wait, no. What about Voltron?" He stepped closer but Keith wouldn't even look at him. "Think about what you're doing!"

Was Keith really giving up the Blue lion to make Lance feel better? Lance tried to catch Keith's gaze, but he only looked away. Maybe this wasn't about Lance? Yes, it made more sense that Keith was concerned about the whole "seeing dead people" thing and tried to hide it from the others. Nobody would force him to tell anybody about Lance though, he could have left that part out.

"That's alright, nobody's blaming you. Has anybody else tried to connect with the blue lion?" When nobody answered Shiro nodded his head.

"Then I suggest the rest of us head to its' hangar right now."

Pidge and Allura nodded and all of them headed towards the lion's hangar. Lance noticed the way Shiro walked awfully close to Allura while discussing something with her and Pidge. He smiled at the sight of the two of them giggling silently in the distance. While everybody had been distancing themselves from each other, Lance had followed these two and noticed all the small touches and fond smiles being traded between them. It was really cute how they supported each other and got through the whole mess together.

Although it was Lance's mess.

The only ones in the room were now Coran, Keith, and Hunk. Lance excluded himself from the group since only Keith knew he was there.

"Well paladins, I imagine this is the right time to engage in quality bonding!" Coran declared cheerfully.

The two boys groaned in choir knowing all too well that it meant cleaning the castle.

True to their suspicions, Coran provided them with several mops and cloths. Soon Lance was sitting in the main room on a couch with his feet on the coffee table in front of him, while Keith washed it with a cloth.

He smirked when Keith struggled with keeping his bangs from his eyes.

"I think you missed a spot right there," Lance said and pointed with his finger.

"I will literally strangle you," Keith whispered quietly so Hunk who was mopping the floor wouldn't hear him.

Lance snorted and leaned forward so Keith was forced to look at him.

"Choke me dadd-," Lance was immediately met by a flying cloth aimed at his face.

Snickering, Lance looked up at Keith's face that now matched the color of his jacket. It honestly took him by surprise that his words had affected Keith in such a way.

"Keith, you alright there buddy?" Hunk asked concerned and Lance laughed even harder remembering that the other boy had no clue what was going on.

Keith seemed to become aware of what he had done and turned into a stuttering mess. "O-oh yeah, just... I thought I saw a- a fly or something."

"In... space?" Hunk walked closer to them and left his mop behind. "Hey, you can go rest if something's bothering you."

Keith only waved a dismissive hand and leaned over Lance to pick up the cloth. When his back was turned to Hunk he mouthed the word "Asshole" with a displeased look on his face. Lance held his breath noticing how close Keith's face was to his. He could swear that he even felt his breath against his lips, even though Lance couldn't really feel any physical contact at the moment.

It reminded him of their moment back in Blue's cockpit. 

He suddenly longed for their sparring sessions even though Keith won almost every time (not that Lance would say that out loud) ending up on top of Lance and smirking at him mischievously. Keith's body-warmth, his gentle pushes and playful punches. Lance remembered every time he'd accidentally touched his hand with his own. he curled his toes and fingers while trying to keep his cool.

Keith however, had already raised himself up and went off to cleaning with Hunk. Maybe he was letting this get to his head. keith hadn't even seemed to notice how close thay had been this time.

Lance sat in silence for a very long time while calming down, it wasn't until Keith was standing in front of him with his arms crossed that Lance came back to reality.

"Something wrong?" Keith asked.

Lance quickly realized that they were the only ones in the room and put on a big grin. Keith responded to it squinting at him suspiciously.

"Yeah man, just chillin' you know. Guess I kind of spaced out," Lance tried to sound confident even though he was embarrassed about this earlier thoughts.

_Keith touching you..._

_Oh my god, shut up brain!_

Keith was never one to give up, but this time he seemed to let it go and sat down next to Lance. Lance wondered if this was the right time to ask about Keith's choice to keep his connection with Blue a secret. It was eating him up from the inside and he yearned for answers, but decided that it was something he shouldn't bring up at the moment.

Keith's hands were inside the pockets of his jacket now, he sunk down in the seat and made sure nobody was in the room before speaking.

"As much as I love to be constantly annoyed by you, we still have to figure this situation out"

 _Ah_ , so that's the deal.

Lance shrugged, refusing to let on how desperate he really was. The last thing he wanted Keith to think was that Lance was weak. An uncomfortable sensation filled his lower part of the stomach. He'd seen his team breaking down, changing into completely different people. He had thought that he was _dead_  before this day. Hell, he still didn't know if he really was, or maybe just invisible. That thought alone scared him to death.

Nobody could see him, nobody could hear him. As if he didn't _exist._

He'd be forgotten. The one thing that scared him enough to lead to countless nightmares. His worst fear.

Except, now Keith could see him. Keith could remember him. Keith who meant so much to him, who could never know how Lance felt. He was willing to take another burden on his shoulders and help Lance.

Lance didn't deserve it, or him. And he knew, he knew damn well, but for once he had to place himself before anyone else and _survive_. So he acted as if it was nothing, just so Keith would feel less pressured.

_God, he was selfish_

"I guess," He stole a glance at the boy sitting right next to him just to be met by sharp eyes. Had the always been so deep?

"I'm confident enough to assume that you've already tried everything you could think of," He said while fiddling with his hands.

He was right. Lance had tried asking Blue, she tried her best to answer, but he got nothing out of it. He went to see if the other lions could see him too, but was met with no response. Talking to his teammates was impossible and even so, Lance had tried to communicate with them in every other way. He couldn't lift objects, couldn't make them hear him. Not even the space mice.

Nothing worked so Lance nodded and let Keith know that he had at least tried.

The boy grumbled something under his breath and massaged his temples. Lance felt a flush of concern swim over him. Keith had been staying up many nights and got almost no sleep. He was drained in every possible way and still had to fix lance's mistakes for him.

Lance realized just how big of a mess he was. Couldn't even handle himself, how had he expected to save the universe?

_You're just being selfish._

"You know, I'm really grateful for you wanting to help me, but I brought this upon myself. It's okay if you choose to stay out of it, I won't get mad."

Keith looked up at him in disbelief. His brows were furrowed and the bags under his eyes seemed to give him even more of an exhausted look. 

"What are you ta-" Keith was interrupted by the doors sliding open and revealing Pidge and Allura.

He quickly jumped back in his seat since he and Lance had somehow managed to get very close without noticing. Lance did the same thing, only to realize that it didn't matter anyway.

"Wonderful to see you here Keith," the princess declared and went to sit gracefully on the other side of the couch. Pidge came along and sat down dangerously close to Lance. It came to the point where he had to maneuver his way out from behind their back by throwing his legs all over the place and kind of rolling his way out. He noticed Keith rolling his eyes at lance's effort and only huffed in response. 

Pidge wouldn't even feel that he touched them, but the thought of passing right through anybody as a ghost wasn't something Lance would ever look forward to.

"Shiro went to get Coran and Hunk, he'll be here soon to announce the results of our investigation," she said with far less enthusiasm than indicated a positive outcome.

Of course, Lance and Keith both knew that no other paladin than Keith would be able to form a bond with the lion at the moment, but Keith nodded anyway and acted as if he didn't already know the news.

Not long later, Hunk, Coran and Shiro stepped into the room. Hunk sat down next to the princess, sending a weak smile in Lance's direction.

Lance's eyes widened and he held his breath before realizing that Keith was the one the smile was aimed for.

_Stupid_

Coran placed himself behind the princess and Shiro stood in front of everyone demanding attention.

"We... we tried to connect with the lion, but it seems like none of us got accepted in the end." Everyone looked at the ground in disappointment. Lance realized that only Coran and Hunk found this information new and instantly felt bad for them.

They all were probably feeling very helpless like this. It hit him like a wave that the rest of the team still thought that he had vanished. Shiro cleared his throat and snapped Lance out of the thought. 

"Hunk, Keith, the offer is still there. Maybe Blue changed her mind. I think it's worth a try." He smiled encouragingly towards the boys. 

Hunk eyed the others and shrugged smiling shyly. "It's not like there's anything to lose," He said. 

A strong urge to give him a hug overwhelmed Lance and left his hands trembeling. Hunk lifted himself off of the couch and joined Shiro where he was standing. 

Everyone's gazes turned to Keith who seemed to have spaced out, but soon came back to reality. 

"I... uh, I'd rather not," He stuttered while eyeing everyone in the room before his gaze returned to Shiro. The older man nodded and smiled warmly at Keith. 

"You can go Keith," Lance said weakly, but got ignored in the end. "You _should_ go, for the team," Lance tried again. It kind of hurting, seeing how Keith ignored him even though Lance knew that it was necessary. 

Now that Keith had seen him, Lance wanted all of the boy's focus on himself, he had discovered. It was extremely selfish of him, he was aware. 

"I don't think Lance would want me to anyway, it's best that I stand behind." Lance scoffed at those words. He knew they were aimed at him even though Keith kept his eye contact with Shiro. It was supposed to show his disbelief at what he had heard, but Lance feared that he might have come off as rude.

"Don't be hard on yourself, I'm sure Lance would understand. Don't let that stop you from doing your job, Keith." Shiro said a little more threateningly this time and began to walk towards the hallway.

It almost came off as a warning, but Lance knew that he only was worried. Keith however, didn't react well to the attitude aimed towards him. 

"Are you implying that my so-called _job_  is more important than our _teammate?"_ He snapped and Shiro stopped in his track. 

Lance hated seeing the two of them fight. It hadn't happened a lot before. And even if it did, one of them would always apologize before things got too heavy. But lately, the tention in the air caused them to bicker a lot, even if they made up, in the end, it seemed like a neverending fight. 

"Keith, let it go," Lance said while stepping forward. Keith seemed to react at that and loosened his clenched fists. He didn't turn away though, only waited for Shiro's response. 

 Allura was the first one of the group to speak up. "Keith, you know that was not what Shir-" 

 _"Shut up, Allura!"_  Keith hissed in her direction. She immediately shut her mouth and stepped back. 

"Do not take it out on her," Shiro said. "The universe needs us, even if somebody as important as Lance has passed away. We still need to keep ourselves together. All I was trying to say is that we can't care for such small things as who would or wouldn't want you to pilot a lion. Nobody will force you to anything, but don't let your feelings controll your actions." 

The room went completely silent. Lance tried to understand the meaning behind Shiro's words. What kind of feelings was he talking about? 

Keith grit his teeth and breathed heavily in through his nose. Lance caught the red paladin's eyes meet his own for a split of a second before he huffed in anger. 

"Whatever..." 

He pushed past Shiro and Hunk while storming off. It took Lance a moment to process what had happened before he followed after Keith. 

It was surprisingly easy to find him. Keith's angry footsteps echoed through the halls and led Lance straight to the boy. 

"Wait, let me catch up!" 

"Leave me alone..." 

"Come on mullet, don't be-"

"Go away, Lance! Piss off the others or something." 

Lance realized that Keith had let that sentence slip out when he hesitated to say anything else. There wasn't anybody else he could annoy. He had only Keith. 

"S-sorry just... let me be alone for a bit." He said quietly, still looking anywhere but at Lance. 

Lance was about to reach for him, but remembered that his hand wouldn't be able to touch Keith's skin. 

"I'm here if you need to talk though" Keith nodded at that. "No seriously, you're the only one who can have an actual conversation with me so... don't hesitate if there's anything wrong"

Keith only nodded once again and walked away slowly, leaving Lance helplessly behind. Suddenly everything felt empty and cold. Lance wrapped his arms around himself and walked the other direction feeling guilty for some reason. 

Why did he feel like this was his fault?

When he stepped into the control room, only Allura and Coran were left. They were standing next to the control panel with frowns of their faces, something that made Lance's stomach turn in worry. Something was wrong. 

"Do you think it's Galra?" Coran asked from behind Allura who kept tapping rapidly on a big screen. Lance snuck up next to them and studied something resembling a ship appearing up as a hologram before them. 

"I must say I've never seen this, it may be," She replied concerned. 

The ship-looking thing was round and had wings on the sides as well as a big engine on the back. It didn't look like anything galra that lance had seen before. 

"Our radars have been picking up signals from this ship on several occasions throughout the day. It may become a bit of an issue if we don't act soon." Coran said while twisting his mustache. 

The princess nodded in agreement just before the image disappeared and all three of them jumped in surprise. 

"It's gone..." Lance whispered to himself. 

The alteans shared an understanding look before the princess tapped more on the screen. "We'll just have to wait and see if it comes up again. In the meantime, make sure the team is ready for any sudden attacks." Coran nodded and marched out of the room. 

"I'll just pray that this doesn't bring any more trouble than we're already in..." The princess sighed and continued reading the altean symbols popping up in front of them. 

Lance had a bad feeling about this. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments!

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually my first fanfiction so I hope it's not too terrible D:


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